As I emptied the third shopvac full of minivan mulch, I had to remove the visor from my hazmat helmet to wipe the sweat off my brow. “I can never tell Mike & Kristy about this…” I thought to myself. Their 8 week-old daughter, Lillian, had dropped her pacifier on the floor of the minivan on our way back from the fish place in the Country Village. In the dark, I have no idea how Kristy blindly latched onto it rather than the colony of millipedes breeding under one of our seats.
OK, so maybe it wasn’t quite that bad, but as I cleaned out our minivan for our trip to Jim Knox’s wedding in Little Rock on Saturday, I was, well, completely grossed out. I had just vacummed it out 3 weeks before, and already there was an entire ecosystem growing underneath the socks, Happy Meal toys, cups, straws, sand, and refuse. How do moms deal with the minivan mulch? It totally turned by stomach. Is it that they resolve only to look in the back via the rear view mirror? Can they not see the vines growing up the side of the back seat?
I felt like my entire body needed to be sandblasted to be free of the filth after finishing. Or to gargle with Lysol. Unfortunately, I know the pristine condition of the vehicle will last for… well, about 2 days. Remember Pigpen in the Charlie Brown strip? Minivans have Pigpen syndrome. If you’re a significant male figure in the life of a minivan-driving female, get used to the regular safari into the wilds of minivan mulch. I’m told by a few husbands that it’s not just minivans that acquire their own ecosystems, but any vehicle with a mom and someone under 18.
Dining for 16…
On the other hand, these minivans could be used to feed the homeless. Park a mom’s minivan on the street outside a shelter, crank the heat on high for about 5 minutes, and everything within could be warmed up nicely. Fling those side doors open, and the hungry could cobble together a decent meal between the fries, pieces of chicken nuggets, bread pieces, half-empty juice boxes, and bank suckers. It’s almost a well-balanced meal.
I think Secretary of Defense Rumsfeld should just round up about 200 minivans driven by moms and park them outside insurgents’ known locations. Within a few days, with the doors left open, it would be total and complete devastation – biological warfare. These 4-wheel contagions are truly WMDs (weapons of minivan destruction).