I got challenged with a “writing prompt” on Twitter by a friend, and seeing as how another friend has already accepted and proved victorious over three different blog writing prompts (here, here, and here), I figured it was time to respond in kind. Now my challenging friend doesn’t have a blog herself, which really doesn’t seem fair that she’s issuing these writing challenges in less than 140 characters on Twitter and then escaping the creative challenge herself since she is blogless, but just this once, I’ll accept – mainly because I get to write about poop.

Here’s the challenge:

Write a script to give telemarketers to sell plastic pooper-scoopers.

Dear CCA Phone Advocate,

Here at Canine Catch-All, we are excited about the product we have to offer consumers and their canines. Our company President, John Dukes, served in the U.S. Army for 20 years before retiring and founding CCA. As both a dog-lover and former military man, he led CCA to become the nation’s leading canine feces retrieval company through the visionary slogan: No turd left behind.

The script below has been focus-group tested. It has been found to achieve remarkable results, and so we ask that you not deviate from the script.

Thank you again for becoming a CCA Phone Advocate.

Script:

Future Customer: Hello?

CCA PA: Hi, my name is <always say your name is Frank or Henrietta, regardless of your real name. These are the names of our founder’s chihuahuas>. I’m calling because I understand you love your dog very much and recently entered the $5000 dog food giveaway at Petsmart.

Future Customer: I did <or some affirmative response>

CCA PA: Although the drawing is not until next month, we received your name and wanted to tell you about a revolutionary new product that will prolong your dog’s life. Would you like to hear more about it?

Future Customer: <be prepared for a negative response. as you know, most people don’t like being disturbed by phone sales. if it’s positive, continue below at the bold emphasis> No, I really don’t want to hear about it.

CCA PA: I understand your time is valuable, but I’m not just a salesman, I’ve been using the product with my chihuahua and am amazed at how much happier and healthier he is. Could I just tell you quickly what I’ve found?

Future Customer: [POSITIVE RESPONSE] Ok, sure.

poobegoneCCA PA: The name of the product is Poo-B-Gone. It was invented and field tested on doggy doodles of all kinds. There are three amazing features to this feces removal system.

  1. Because it’s made of high density space-age polymer which has been injection molded, the Poo-B-Gone will never warp in heat nor will it crack in freezing temperatures. Even with sudden contact with your dog’s warm excrement – whether solid or more liquified, the Poo-B-Gone will handily transport your canine’s turds to the nearest trash can.
  2. No one likes the odor of doggy doodle. Therefore, the Poo-B-Gone has a trigger by the handle that sprays the poop with your choice of Febreze. We’ve contracted with Proctor & Gamble to make small Febreze cans that install quickly into the handle of our Poo-B-Gone and last for up to 100 pick ups.
  3. Finally, before you drop your doodle in the trash can, our Poo-B-Gone has a battery-powered slice and dice feature which literally chops the turds into perfect 1/2 inch cubes. These cubes are more aesthetically appealing than your average turd, and if you have house plants, you can save these cubes in nice stacks for dropping into your house plants for organic fertilizer.

Would you now be interested in trying a Poo-B-Gone unit risk-free for 30 days? We guarantee that you’ll be satisfied, and your credit card will only be charged on the 31st day. Should you not be happy with Poo-B-Gone, you can use the self-return, postage-paid label that ships with it to return it free of charge. But please, ship it back poo-free.

Future Customer: Yes, I’d be interested. <with a positive response, you’ll simply be taking their CC information and confirming their mailing address>

Future Customer: No, I’m not interested.

CCA PA: <if you receive a no, make sure to adopt a curt tone and say these words firmly:> I’m sorry to hear you’re not interested. I assume this is because you hate your dog? I’m afraid that because of the sheer benefit of our product and your refusal to try one, by the guidelines of the American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals, we are required to report you to local law enforcement. Are you sure you don’t want to change your mind?

Future Customer: <at this point, 98% of our test subjects change their minds. simply take their CC information and confirm their mailing address>

CCA PA: Thank you for your time this evening! I’m sure you and your dog will enjoy many more happy years together with the Poo-B-Gone. With it, you’ll be able to tell your family and friends that you too are practicing the Canine Catch-All vision statement of No Turd Left Behind. Good bye.

On this day...