Many thanks to Ray for pulling out these thoughts from a UK magazine called VIZ. It has a top tips section. Here’s a selection….
DON’T waste money on expensive iPods. Simply think of your favourite tune and hum it. If you want to “switch tracks”, simply think of another song you like and hum that instead.
RAPPERS. Avoid having to say ‘know what I’m sayin’ all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place.
DON’T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your identity stolen. Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along with your old bank statements.
DRIVERS. If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send them on their way.
PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house by simply moving everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the morning, simply move it all back again.
CAR thieves Don’t be discouraged when nothing is on view. All the valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat.
MOTORISTS Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone while driving. Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you are listening to the sea.
SINGLE men Convince people that you have a girlfriend by standing outside Gap with several bags of shopping, looking at your watch and occasionally glancing inside.
BOIL an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping the egg into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60 mph. After 3 miles, phone your wife and tell her to take the egg out the pan.