Table of contents for Leaving the church

Three years ago, I wrote a short entry called When it’s time to leave your church. I’ve been amazed at the amount of traffic that entry continues to receive. Invariably I notice that people find it after searching the web with “how to know when to leave my church” or “how to leave your church.” Church hopping is passe’. In the 21st century, folks don’t seem to be looking for another church. Many are ready to give up on church completely.

If this is you, or if you’re in the former group of struggling to stay in your church, I hope you’ll leave feedback that will be constructive and helpful for others on their journey. I intend this entry to be the first in a follow-up series to the original entry.

Since there are a more reasons why people consider not going to their church any longer than there are fire ant mounds in south Arkansas, we’ll be taking this slowly. Examining your reasons for not going are more important than stopping going.

They can be as simple as…

I’m tired of the routine, the same-old, same-old.
It’s boring.
I don’t get anything out of the ________ (sermons, programs, ministries).
Someone else always beats me to the best dessert at potlucks.
I just don’t feel connected there.

To as complex and meaningful as…

I’m concerned about the biblical teaching there (or lack thereof).
The leadership of the church is becoming ____________ (cultish, autocratic, unhealthy, insert your adjective).
The church is consumed with themselves.
My family has not been ministered to there.

In future entries, we will be exploring these and other reasons for leaving your church. As a pastor of a church, my goals are:

To evaluate your relationship with Christ and help you embrace the Church as His bride and chosen method of world redemption. This will help you view “church” in a biblical and reverent manner.
To get you to consider your own heart and its blamelessness. This will ensure that you are willing to forgive if necessary.
To evaluate if you are a victim of consumerism, materialism or false worldviews in your own assessment of your church or your approach to it. The lens that we view life through may cloud our vision and understanding of reality.
To help you leave well (if possible and if leaving is actually what you need to do).
To provide you with a framework for the next church that you will serve Christ through.

Obviously, I’m biased toward the church. We will examine this mystery together as sincere sleuths, seeking to arrive at proper deductions. But make no mistake, there are enough twists and turns in our relationship with the people of God to provide fodder for the best thriller for eternity:

“This is a profound mystery, but I am talking about Christ and the church.” Ephesians 5.32

I hope you’ll tag along for this journey. Stay tuned….

On this day...

Notes from Refuel 2011: Stephen Furtick - 2011
Notes from Refuel 2011: Ed Stetzer - 2011
Review: Prince Caspian (rated 5 stars) - 2008
Macintosh myths - 2008

Next in series

9 Comments

TJ Scott May 21, 2010 at 12:15 am

Love/hate the topic. As a church leader, I always hate seeing people leave, no matter what the reason. It hurts when they leave saying they hate “us” when only one or two people had anything to do with them leaving. It brings joy, however, when we as leaders get an opportunity to “sow” people into church plants or struggling churches in need of quality leadership/talent!

There are so many ways I could jump into this one, like the way people say they aren’t growing, so they are leaving – yet they seldom come to Bible study/Discipleship/worship.

My suggestion to people thinking about leaving their church, is: if you leaving can be done in a manner that if you meet the pastor or other church members at Walmart the next week, month, year and can still look them in the eye (and they in yours) go for it. Keep deceit, personal blame, etc out of it! If you are angry and bitter, stay. Repent and fix it. You will only carry it to the next place until you deal with it or make everyone else angry and bitter.

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Golden Gal July 12, 2010 at 10:38 am

When people leave the church, it does not mean they are leaving God or Christ or love or faith behind. They are simply leaving a too orgainized, homogenized version of the Truth and returning to true fellowship with God without the restraints and commands of ‘those in charge’.
I have been in ‘the church’ for over 50 years. I was raised in church. Some of it was great especially the potlucks. Or the fun times. Even some of the serious times were great because it helped me see togetherness and love. But it is the OTHER that crucifies the Lord afresh that is too often covered up, whispered about in a ‘prayerful manner’..when the pastor’s sin is put up with no matter how he is hurting someone. NO.
To leave the church is necessary to preserve ones sanity sometimes. And everyone should be encouraged to do that when they are being simply taken advantageous of and not truly loved and appreciated and encouraged to live their lives to the fullest. Anything else is spiritual vampirism.

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Erin July 17, 2010 at 10:54 pm

I have been wanting to leave my church for a long time because of it’s autocratic leadership and there are some people with condescending attitudes which make me sometimes feel I am intellectually or socially inferior and it has made me come to realize that this church is no longer the right one for me because it has stolen my joy that I used to possess every time I attended. There is also partiality in the church and the pastor and associate pastors seem to go out of thier way to make harsh and unkind remarks to me. These are just a taste of the problems I have with this church but the biggest obstacle is that it is my husband’s grandmother’s church and also I am the Children’s church leader. To give you some background I have a problem expressing myself in stressful situations. I have a pretty good feeling what she will say if I was to talk to her personally and I am a bit scared of her. My question to yall is… I feel like I should write a resignation letter explaining myself because I know that if I confront her personally that she will shoot me down and I will forget everything I wanted to say and she will make me feel like an idiot. I am confident I can express myself right in a letter but is this the right thing to do? Should I let her confront my concerns first? She has had oppurtunities before and she just ignores me like a pesky fly that wont leave her alone. I know I have to leave though because I feel drained, I’m questioning God, and the longer I stay the worse the problems seem to get. Oppinions would be highly appreciated. Thank you.

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Erin July 17, 2010 at 10:57 pm

Also, should I just say I am leaving or should I go into more details with why and what problems have made me come to this conclusion. I feel this would cause a lot of people to get angry. This letter would be sent to the church leaders. Should I just send it to a couple or all or just the pastor. Thanks!

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Erin September 24, 2010 at 12:57 pm

Hi, I am sorry to read that you are having problems. I am not going to pry but I shall pray for you during these difficult times.

I shall pray to The Lord Jesus and ask him to surround you with His love, and to give you His joy, peace and strength and
to give you guidance, i.e, what he wants you do!

If things improve please let me know via this web-site.

Grenville

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Sarah October 1, 2010 at 11:08 pm

I have been contemplating leaving my church for 7 years now. It started when my oldest was leaving for college. They were close to the Pastor and they looked up to him as a father figure but the pastor did not want my oldest to go to college he wanted him to go local. The Pastor has a MS in Psychology and is sort of a dictator and often tries to use reverse psychology to get someone to see things his way and I noticed him trying to make a puppet out of my child but I did not want to give my child any bad feelings toward God’s man. I told my oldest that the decision was theirs whether or not they wanted to go local or away to college but I asked my child to at least try on campus living for one year because that is what my child had their heart set on and if they did not like it I would support them leaving. Well when my child told the Pastor he was going to try on campus living for one year, the Pastor totally stopped talking to my child and ignored them and on the day my child was to leave for college my child went to the Pastor and hugged him and the Pastor just stood there with no reaction nor did he say goodbye or God be with you or I’ll be praying for you or anything. I was peeved !! I encouraged my child as much as I could but my child was very hurt. To this day my child is not in church and has no respect for preachers.

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Sarah October 1, 2010 at 11:18 pm

This is the first straw. The next issue I have had is the Pastor telling the congregation that they are cursed if they do not pay their tithes. Not regarding he has a poor congregation and the people have many financial issues. I have been a faithful tither since I was 14 and there is a record kept of everyones giving. But when I was laid off, not one deacon came and asked me if I needed anything but did ask someone in the church who was close to me why I stopped paying tithes. When I found employment I began tithing again and was laid off, the same thing happened AGAIN!!!! I was laid off four times and not one person has yet to ask me if I am in need and I have children to care for. This is another thing that upsets me, there is no concern for the needs of the people. I know others who have gone through the same thing. These are just a couple of things that bother me> I made a list < But the pros are that true holiness is taught and the Holy Spirit does move and there are some truly sincere people that know how to really pray.

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Erin October 4, 2010 at 12:58 pm

Grenville,

I resigned from Sunday School and it seemed to go better than I thought it would but things have gotten worse since I decided to stick around. My husband leads the men’s ministry and he is now having all of the same problems I was having. I just wish we could leave but he is intent on staying. Maybe someday he’ll get tired of it or maybe I will end up just going to a different church. We are now having some of the same problems as Sara. We have always faithfully tithed but now we are having financial trouble and she (his grandmother and the Pastor) is really coming down hard on us. We give what we can and we have faith God will provide but there is only so much. We have 2 young daughters who are 8 and 4 who are real attatched to the church too so that is definetely a factor as well. Like Sarah I am just at a loss…

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Jeff May 29, 2012 at 1:55 pm

I’ve chosen to delete some comments that seemed to be a dialogue between former members of Riviera Christian Centre in Australia about issues they had while there. I received a kind email from another former member that pointed out that the debate that was going on here was not really suited for Christian unity. I agree. There are better places to hash things out regarding a church in Australia than on the blog of a pastor in Virginia.

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Notes from the Trail
The Personal Blog of Jeff Noble
Info: From the misty hills of Virginia, "Notes from the Trail" seeks to encourage you on your journey. Written by a graphic designer-pastor, this blog is a blend of humor, insight, and faith discovery.