Signs that someone is leaving your church
“I don’t like my/your church.”As a church planter and pastor, I honestly don’t know that I’ve ever heard those words or even read them in reference to our church; however, I am confident that they’ve been said, or at the least, thought. I continue to be astounded at the volume of people who silently leave churches, whether ours or others with that thought in mind. After many years in collegiate and now church ministry, I think I can describe some of the signs that someone is leaving your church:
- Increase in “clan-nishness” – This happens when folks begin to associate only with a select few people within your church. It’s an unhealthy indication that they are not willing to plug in to other’s lives, only those who make them comfortable.
- Arriving right on time and leaving quickly – When church becomes simply an event to attend, folks begin to treat it as a religious meeting. They are not interested in meeting, hanging out, or in depth fellowship with the people of the church.
- Fault-finding – It becomes more and more difficult for them to identify anything wonderful or positive that’s happening in the church or the members’ lives. They only seem to be able to identify and zero in on things that bother them.
- Undermining leadership or church vision – Rather than being supportive and helpful, they seem to want church done on their terms and in their prescribed way. They are unwilling to invest wholeheartedly in the vision of the collected leadership of the church and instead find ways through conversation, attendance and giving (or lack of it) to express their dissatisfaction.
- Attractive absences – It seems that “whatever” will be enough to cause a person considering leaving to miss a gathering of the church. Different excuses are offered, but the end result is that they could “take it or leave it.” The gathering of believers at that church is no longer compellingly attractive to them.
- Determined Discontent – It doesn’t matter that whether or not their concerns are addressed and their questions are answered. In some cases, it appears that they just don’t want to hear explanations. They are determined to be discontent.
- Invitational Death – A sure sign for someone considering leaving is the absence of invitation in their life. If they had at one point been bringing guests and “talking up” your church but do so no longer, then it is probably because they don’t want to involve someone that they know in a fellowship that they know in their hearts they may soon be leaving.
- Lack of Conversational Intimacy – People who are on the road to leaving suddenly talk about sports, the weather and movies more than they ask you about your faith, your prayer needs or dreams and hopes. They don’t want to engage you on an intimate level in conversation because they know that your relationship with them will be changing soon. Rest assured, if a person doesn’t ask you questions about you, they are most likely consumed with themselves.
Confusion of church and relationship to Christ
Many folks who leave a church do so for arbitrary reasons. The worship is more appealing at So-and-So Baptist Church across town. Most Holy Methodist Church just got a young preacher who is a dynamic speaker. The Jump-Up-And-Down Program at One Heckuva Steeple Presbyterian suddenly seems to “meet the needs” of their family better than your pitiful programs. Whatever the reason, they all seem to sound hollow when compared to the mission of Christ when He said that He came to “seek and save the lost.” (Luke 19.10)
In fact, in our Americanized, drive-through religion world, there is a huge confusion about religion and a relationship with Christ. It was so in Jesus’ day as well. He found Himself (and even initiated) in conflict with the religious leaders of His day often. The problem was that the religious leaders had more head knowledge about God than they knew God Himself.
The same is true today. Wherever you have a gathering of people who embrace facts and doctrines about God without pursuing intimacy with Him through a love relationship with Jesus Christ, you have religion. However, it is not ultimately fulfilling to just show up at all the proper religious events and services. A lifetime of simply “showing up” doesn’t transform us. An intimate love relationship with God opens our lives for His gracious work within us.
“Now this is eternal life: that they may know you, the only true God, and Jesus Christ, whom you have sent.” (John 17.3)
There is a huge difference in knowing about God and knowing God.
Paul said, “I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings…” (Philippians 3.10)
One can know about God and not love Him with all their being. However, that love relationship is what Jesus described as the first and greatest commandment in Matthew 22.37. He also said, “If you love me, you will obey my commands.” (John 14.15) When you truly love another person, you will want to please them in your relationship with them.
It all hinges on a love relationship with God, and that’s where many current and former church-goers today are confused. They think they can love God without loving His people. The New Testament is loud and clear that a Christian was not created to live in isolation. The Spirit within us places us in fellowship with other Christians – not for personal growth and enjoyment – but to accomplish and fulfill the stated mission of Christ. We are the body of Christ, and it takes all of us, working together in mutual humility and service, to extend His kingdom.
There are, of course, good reasons for leaving a church, but in our society it seems that few folks leave for good reasons. A church is so much more than just a random collection of people. It’s the bride of Christ expressed locally. Few consider that when they stop attending that they are rejecting people who make up the bride.
On this day...
- Worship services of significance - 2008
- Finding God at Harvard... - 2006
- Please leave a message... - 2005
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Notes from the Trail
The Personal Blog of Jeff Noble
Info: From the misty hills of Virginia, "Notes from the Trail" seeks to encourage you on your journey. Written by a graphic designer-pastor, this blog is a blend of humor, insight, and faith discovery.
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Great post. It makes you think even if you are one of those that is there every time the doors are open. Thanks for the insight.
Lou Arnold’s last blog post..Thankful Tuesday
Very good post! Hits close to home and validates that we did leave our church for the “right” reasons. To me, when you go, give your all, and still just do not grow at a church, it’s time to scoot on out. lol Amazing how I’ve accomplished more spiritual growth at Journey in a matter of weeks than I could at our other church in 3yrs time… when God knows where he wants you, he knows where he wants you!
Mandy’s last blog post..So grown up
“Increase in “clan-nishness†– This happens when folks begin to associate only with a select few people within your church. It’s an unhealthy indication that they are not willing to plug in to other’s lives, only those who make them comfortable.”
“Undermining leadership or church vision – Rather than being supportive and helpful, they seem to want church done on their terms and in their prescribed way. They are unwilling to invest wholeheartedly in the vision of the collected leadership of the church and instead find ways through conversation, attendance and giving (or lack of it) to express their dissatisfaction”
“Rest assured, if a person doesn’t ask you questions about you, they are most likely consumed with themselves.”
I feel like sometimes these go together. It seems that sometimes it’s the leaders or long time members that band together in a “clan” and then aren’t willing to take others opinions into consideration. Sometimes these people join together and are set in their ways and simply don’t want to “change”. They are set in their ways and won’t take into consideration that some of the newer members have some suggestions to make things more accomidating for everyone. They dictate everything and to me that is not how a church should run. Church is about the whole body not just the elder members. We live in America that is suppose to be a democracy so why wouldn’t you have a church that was a democracy?
Rosjuane,
You are dead-on. It’s true that in many churches (and even other organizations), people get comfortable with who they’ve known for a long time and neglect to realize that the call of our Savior is to love all people, everywhere, not just those whose company they enjoy most.
The love of Christ beckons us all to get out of our comfort zones and to go beyond our social circles.
As far as the democracy deal… I understand where you’re coming from and why you’re saying that. However, surely you don’t want the church of Christ to resemble America? Do you want the same kind of society present in the church that we see in our country?
Democracy is a precious thing, but the nation of Israel in the Old Testament was not set up as a democracy. Rather, God allowed them to have an aristocracy and even blessed it.
In the New Testament, we see a team of Sprit-gifted leaders who had authority over all the churches. Paul and Peter and the others calimed their authority as an apostle as they guided the churches in theology and practice.
God ordained leaders for the church to lead them and direct them. Ephesians 4.11-13 says, “It was he who gave some to be apostles, some to be prophets, some to be evangelists, and some to be pastors and teachers, to prepare God’s people for works of service, so that the body of Christ may be built up until we all reach unity in the faith and in the knowledge of the Son of God and become mature, attaining to the whole measure of the fullness of Christ.”
In Hebrews 13.17, the admonition for believers is to “obey your leaders and submit to their authority. They keep watch over you as men who must give an account. Obey them so that their work will be a joy, not a burden, for that would be of no advantage to you.”
I believe Scripture teaches that God called and gifted key men and women to lead his people and equip them for service and lead them to maturity in Christ. They are to do so as servant-leaders, not as those who would exercise a harsh, autocratic, “your opinion doesn’t count” approach.
1 Peter 5.2-3 speaks to these God-called leaders and says, “Be shepherds of God’s flock that is under your care, serving as overseers—not because you must, but because you are willing, as God wants you to be; not greedy for money, but eager to serve; not lording it over those entrusted to you, but being examples to the flock.”
How a church chooses to structure itself is simply a means. There are a wide variety of church structures across our nation and globe. The important thing is that their structure serve to advance the cause of Christ. Democracy is a cherished institution for our country, and while everyone gets a voice, we’ve also seen too often in politics, it’s not always the wisest course of action.
I think equally important is for those who are joining or considering a church to understand in advance how the church is organized, what the vision and core values of the church are in advance. That way, they won’t be frustrated later when they realize that the church isn’t what they’re “used to.”
Thanks for your comment!
I know your post had nothing to do with church governmental structure, but I gotta give you a hi-five on the well-balanced democracy isn’t always the best thing for the church talk.
I can’t think off the top of my head in Scripture where God ordained a “people rule” governmental structure. God has an ordained leadership structure that we see throughout the New Testament. He placed Pastors over the local church with apostles overseeing them. Inside the church the pastors were overseeing the elders or bishops. The only voting we see was where they were told to choose from among them what would be described as a deacon, which one was Steven. That was a servant who helped with the widows and waited on people (a stark contrast of the senatorial representative of the congregation to the pastor the modern American church has perverted that position to become). And yes, I believe that it is the deacon’s job to take care of the widows and orphans, visit the sick, etc as an extention of their pastor. It’s NOT their job to make sure the pastor is doing those things.
We now have churches that are plagued a democratic process where people are making carnally-minded decisions on spiritual things that are not theirs to make. God does not ordain popular vote or petitions. He ordains a leader. We find now days that God is moving powerfully in the Apostollic model of leadership (not referring to the Apostollic denomination), and we’re seeing more of the democratic-governed churches shrivelling up with little power to change the world around them.
A recommended read on this is Churchquake by Peter Wagner. INCREDIBLE study on this topic!
TJ’s last blog post..Three party politics
I just left my church of 5 years served immensely and I have never done this before I can see some of the things i did but how do you know the difference?
That’s a great question, Rolling. What were some of your reasons for leaving? Another good link is here and here.
But if they spoke the reason for leaving they would be judged and dismissed. Leadership takes everything so personally that there’s little room in most churches for comment that is not 100% supportive.
I find your article lacking in compassion.