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When it’s time to leave your church
// March 9th, 2007
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There’s a provoking entry over at oldtruth.com that addresses the answer to this question. The thing that has consistently amazed me is that most churchgoers have never thought to question their particular church and its fidelity (or its leaders’) to scripture and spiritual maturity. Living smack in the middle of the Bible Belt, I’ve consistently observed people who have attended the same church for years without ever evaluating whether they or their children are growing spiritually and in their understanding of and embrace of a life mission and ministry.
It’s more of an intuition than hard, empirical research, but I suspect that most churchgoers attend church habitually rather than passionately. They are somewhat committed to the people they see in church week-in and week-out, but they hardly consider these fellow followers as family. They’re just “people that go to the same church they do.”
It’s sad to consider that few regular church attenders are aware that there are genuine and authentic (though certainly not perfect) gatherings of Christ followers – perhaps in their own community – who are earnestly seeking to follow Christ, serve their communities in love, and seek to implement the principles of Christ’s kingdom on earth. This is a far cry from their pew-centered, classroom-oriented church setting; however, they haven’t paused long enough to consider the dearth of a deep love of God and others in their own spiritual life.
When do you think it’s time to leave a church? (Or perhaps, when is it time to begin going to one?)
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24 Responses to “When it’s time to leave your church”
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Most people truely believe that life on Earth is as good as it gets. So they go through the motions of church because it seems to be the right thing to do.
i’ve encountered so many people in the south that claim a certain church as their “home” church, just by virtue of the fact that its where they went when they were younger, or they were saved there, or in the case of we southern baptists, its “where their letter is.” what annoys me is that they may not have stepped foot in that church (or any other church) in years, and have no intentions of doing so any time soon. but they have a church that they can claim as “theirs” and they’re satisfied with that. yeah, they may have figured out when it was time to leave, they just never bothered finding another one.
great topic. We’ve all attended church out of obligation at one time or another, haven’t we? It’s a shame that thoughts like “I don’t want to hurt ________’s feelings” or “It will leave a void if we go to another church” hold us down in a place where we have little hope of growing.
If you are leaving a church, are you leaving for the sake of leaving? Or are you leaving because you are going somewhere? If it’s the latter, and you have God’s leadership involved in SENDING you somewhere, then you know there is great blessing on both the leaving and going.
When you have people moving from one church to another, the pastors need to work together and think about good of the Body of Christ as a whole. If God chooses to move me into pastoring, I will most likely have a requirement that I at least am able to speak with the pastor of the churches my “transferred” members are coming from. This way I can ascertain the heart behind why this person is coming into my church. If it’s for the wrong reasons (not desiring to submit to pastoral authority, running from the truth, etc) I can confront the issue, and send that runaway person back “home.” Unfortunately, not enough pastors are doing this, and allowing a Jezebel (controlling) attitude to come into their flock, simply because they’re too excited about adding to the numbers or gaining one’s talent.
1. I have always liked the idea of pastors working together to minimize church-hopping. But my experience has been that many pastors are too insecure to work with other pastors on issues like this. Pastors would be opening themselves up to criticism if they do this. It’s easier just to let unhappy people go silently. 2. On the topic of when it’s time to leave a church… There are so many different reasons I could think of that would be legitimate reasons for leaving a church. BUT, I think too many people leave without ever consulting with the pastor about what their concerns are. I think this shows either (a) apathy about the condition of the church on the part of the departing churchgoer or (b) a lack of approachability on the part of the pastor. Then again, you have some church members who refuse to leave but constantly have concerns to share with the pastor. 3. People stay in their lifeless “home” church because they are spiritually lazy, apathetic, or dead.
[...] Noble recently posted his opinions on another post regarding the answer to knowing when it is time to leave your church. There is a [...]
On Memorial Day weekend 2004, my family and I decided it was time to leave thw church my mom grew up in, mom and dad were married in and that I had grown up and gotten married in. Things had been going on and finally, the camel couldn’t handle any more. We were invited to another church, a Baptist church, where we were welcomed into a totally new community and town. The pastor of the “old” church never once came to us, nor did any of the members. We were approached by someone that used the excuse, “you need to come back for (my grandma) because she isn’t happy there without us there” Well, she wasn’t happy there before we left but it was “home” to her so she wouldn’t leave too. We have since been baptised into the Baptist church and have a whole new perspective on Christianity. We also have a church family who acts more like family by loving, helping, and praying for each other. We feel alive in the Spirit at Immanuel Baptist Church, Warren, AR.
Leave whenever it doesn’t feel like your faith is the main focus.
Jill,
IBC is indeed a great church! I’m sorry to hear of your experience but excited that God has led you to a fellowship where you are serving Him.
Oh boy is this topic close to my heart right now! We’ve recentely been visiting other churches (as you may have noticed since we’ve been frequenting Journey lol) and we stayed in “our” church far too long for ALL of the wrong reasons. I finally was just honest with Clayton and let him know that I haven’t grown spiritually in years in that church, had no friends there, and our children had no youth to grow spiritually with. I left each Sunday feeling sad, upset, frustrated… nothing that I think you should routinely leave church feeling. Since we finally stepped out and started seeking the place God wants us to be I’ve been so much happier! I’m excited about church again! Church doesn’t always have to be fun, exciting, or even moving.. but if you’re not growing in faith, in christ, or in fellowship, or worse, you’re going backwards, then it’s time to leave your church.
I think this one is going to win…..I knew it would be a toss up between this one and Ruining my metro…LOL!!!!
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[...] Noble recently posted his opinions on another post regarding the answer to knowing when it is time to leave your church. There is a [...]
Leaving a your home church is always a hard decision. I made that decision last fall. The Lord has used me to assist in other church’s but I have not found a new home as of yet. The reason that I left my church, is that I am a sinner saved by grace. The church I attended doesn’t want sinners attending. When a church cannot administer help and concern to their own members, I don’t believe that God is in that Church. There were a lot of good people hurt and several of them will probably not get involved in another church. It is a sad thing to think that some people think that they do not sin and hold themselves above others. I pray for them and I miss my old church family but my heart is at peace with mt decision.
Less than nine months ago I joined a new church that is non-denominationl. (I come from a Baptist background) I left my old church because I felt as if I wasn’t growing. I am still friends with the members and pastor of my old church so there are no hard feelings. The problem with the new church is the pastor appears to have respect for certain members while ignoring others. In the nine months I have been there, he has not once asked me anything about myself. Most of the times he doesn’t even speak. It is weird; some folks he is just crazy about and the others he ignores. I have approached my new Pastor three times with different plans outreach ministries and each time nothing. This last time he nit-picked my rough draft proposal. He admitted to liking the idea but kept harping on the way the proposal was written. I explained to him that I thought we were meeting to discuss outreach ministries and that the proposal was a tentative and rough draft of a guide. I got the impression that he was looking for any excuse to say something negative. His mother who is an Evangelist made a comment the other day while we were in leadership class about Baptist folks, knowing full-well that I have a Baptist background. I want to work for the Lord and I don’t want to have to fight with others to do so. Part of me feels like I should leave the church but I don’t want it to appear that I left because I couldn’t get my way. What should I do?
Please advise.
Jenny,
Without knowing your situation in depth, I would encourage you to be patient and seek to discover what the church’s existing vision and ministry philosophy is. After only being there 9 months, I don’t know that you’ve had a chance to fully internalize what the dynamics are.
If you are sincerely seeking spiritual growth, know that you can grow apart from having to create a formal program at your church. Just jump into ministry in your community and neighborhood.
As a recovering Baptist myself, I think too often we try to start “programs” and all when in actuality we simply need to befriend people in our community, schools, and places of business.
As far as him nit-picking your ideas, I can’t speak to that. I don’t know him or you well enough, but it’s never fun to feel like your input is not valued. It doesn’t sound like he is throwing out the baby with the bathwater, but that he’s having a hard time “connecting” with your intentions.
I’d advise, patience, humility, and persistence. Don’t get into the habit of running from church to church, always finding fault.
Jeff’s last blog post..Review: The Kneeling Christian (rated 4 stars)
Jeff:
When you say, “…he’s having a hard time connecting with your intentions.” What are you saying? Are you saying that he is questioning my motives for wanting to start an outreach ministry?
No. I just think that since you’ve only been a member there less than a year, he’s probably trying to understand why you’re thinking of doing something new when the church is obviously doing a lot of things really well (or they wouldn’t have attracted you).
Many times, pastors feel overloaded already, and when you bring them something new to put on their plate, they may initially respond with hesitance.
Like I said, “patience, humility, and persistence.” Plug in to what is already going on and pray about what you’d like to see happen.
Jeff’s last blog post..Review: The Kneeling Christian (rated 4 stars)
Recovering Baptist… my gosh… have you lost your compass? To whom much is given, much more will be required… sound familiar? Baptists from all over the world have invested in you Jeff, are they getting good return for their dollar or their love dished out to you?
YES, there is much to be improved upon in the typical Baptist church, but there is far more good than bad. It is not always about YOU, it is about the impact they are having on their community and world.
Remember all those sweet senior citizen at the Friendship House in Garland. How they would pour countess hours or sweat and love into feeding people off the street?
Remember the great old men who would travel to disaster after disaster all over the US (at their own expense), and get this… they were serving in one of the deadest churches in the Baptist General Convention of Texas when we both served there.
Jeffrey Dalmer Noble… you sound bitter and arrogant. Hey, I know you.
I am the one that gave you my scooter, and I did not just give it to anyone, but one of my best friends! So, cram all the holier than thou stuff about when it is time to leave your church.
Tell all your whiny friends, to grow up and not get their panties in a wad when the pastor does not speak to them as they wish. I know a minister now that keeps his head down so he won’t trip and fall. I have been called snooty by some because I don’t speak, but the truth is I have other things on my mind like standing upright and kissing the ground with my face. You just never know ALL the story.
A church is about people who get their hands dirty and serve Jesus by serving others. All this Holy, righeous talk about when to jump ship misses the point of “blooming” where God has planted you.
I love discussions like this… Kevin Wieser
you have to go if you do not feel comfortable
Jeff, I have a question. I am going to take you advice and do some praying about this issue. I have been at my church for 10 years and have only been active in a couple of activities. I feel that I have much more to offer, and would love to be in a teaching area, because I love to study and learn new things and to be able to share them. But I cannot find my nick where I am. Could it be me? Everything I seem to find an interest in, there is a conflict. I want to activate, can you give me some lead as to how to do this?
@Scottie: I hate to say this, but yes, it could be you. In situations like what you’re describing, it could always be “us” rather than “them.” I would urge patience. At the same time, I would encourage you to visit your leaders about possible places of service. We always find less to complain about when we’re serving others. Sometimes our discontent is caused when we become consumers in church which is meant to be a servanthood environment. Folks who are evaluating their church on what it does for them may not quite understand that there is a mission of Jesus to embrace.
I just recently lost my mother-n-law whom I was very close to. She passed away on March 26th 2009, it’s been so hard to to continue in fellowship with the church and I miss her presence there. I feel empty since she is gone and it just don’t feel the same. I cry everyday because I feel as though it’s time to go and then again I think of the others there like my pastor which is the husband of my mother-n-law. she was involved in everything in church and always gave me encouragement and taught sunday school. She was a great singer and a positive enfluence in my life as well as my children. I’m going through a storm and it’s really hard to move on there without her.I don’t know what to do because I’m thinking about others feelings and not mine.
@Roberta: I am sorry to hear about the loss in your family. This article certainly didn’t cover instances such as yours. Many years ago I read Phillip Yancey’s “Where Is God When It Hurts?” It’s a fantastic book for times of pain and grief. I highly recommend it to you.
So glad to hear what a positive impact she made on your life for Christ. I will be praying that the Lord brings comfort, healing and direction to you in these days of loss.
Jeffs last blog post..Rectal 2009 [Flickr]
It seems to me that this is a little bit selfish attitude- “I am not growing” in a church. The best way to grow is to use your spiritual gifts to serve others, in love. That’s the purpose of the “church body” that resembles Christ – growing through loving service to one another. Use your spiritual gifts and yo will grow spiritually, no matter where you are- this should depend solely on Christ and you can be a blessing for others.
If one loves people as Jesus did, he/she would leave a church when they would kick him out/ or he exhausted all the ways to serve in that church.